What's up buttercup? 12Sept2018

This is another personal, detailed post. 

I'm rambling a lot lately.

I'm writing this so people know I'm not ignoring them. I am just dealing with some major cr@p in my little corner of the world.  So it goes like this....(eek there's a song with those words, Moves like Jagger LOL)

My father got the confirmation yesterday 11th September, that yes he 100% does have lung cancer.  Now he said to me when I was taking him for the all day test (I drove about 400ks in that short 3 days up there) that it's to see if he has lung cancer. I knew that, you don't work for Australia's Medicare and department of human services and not pick up some medical jargon over the years.  Funny that it was 11 September yesterday. Daddy said hmmm another date in the brain, 9/11 as the Americans would say.  What an interesting thought because that's the date 21 yrs ago Princess Diana was in that horrible car crash .  He did make me laugh when he said "bloody hell, look at the date I get my results, 9/11"  Yes we did laugh but we knew deep down what was going to be found.

I live a few hundred ks drive away from my father these days. I'm in the north western suburbs almost at the start of the M7 motorway or better still that link between where the M7 starts and the M2 begins. My parents home use to be walking distance down the road but their home along with over 110 others is where there is now a double bus lane, cycle path and much wider Sunnyholt Rd. But the gum trees from their front yard are still standing LOL. They moved to a little town up on the central coast called Chain Valley Bay North and it doesn't have a lot of public transport nor any shops.

I am blessed when my only son, Ben, decided to move out of home, he moved up that way and he currently lives with his grandad technically but is in the process of getting engaged, married and already has a 3yr old step son. We are very happy they have found each other. My son has stepped in and said I am not to worry about getting grandad to his appointments and that I'm not to drop everything to be up there because he knows I'm just not coping right now.

You see, he's been watching his beautiful partner watch her own father slowly being ravaged by motor neuron's disease and we are all waiting for the call. We nearly had it a few weeks ago, but they got him to the nearest hospital.  He wasn't going to make it to John Hunter in Newcastle, it was too far and he was drowning with fluids in his lungs.  He fought and he pulled back up a bit. But when I saw the twisted body his has become in such a short time, since February this year, I knew he's probably not going to see his daughter marry my son.  Just like my Mum has not go to see my son become the caring young man he is. And how his Kat's own Mum didn't get to see her beautiful son Aiden born. See she passed from breast cancer 3yrs ago and Kat held her hand during her last dying breaths. This is a strong woman my son is so head over heals in love with. She came out of the blue one day whilst he was dealing with a break up he had to make with his long time gf up there.  It all happens for a reason, we just don't know it til we look back.

I've already burnt out somewhat with just a couple of months of back and forth. My father and son know my hubby and I want to move south. We are living in an area that was once quiet and rather non threatening. Over the last 18 and a bit years we've gone from being able to have our front door open to not even being able to hear the phone or tv because the traffic, sirens, bad drivers, police chases amongst other things make our once quiet little hovel so noisy. It's gotten so bad that many in the area don't run outside anymore when someone looses it on the road and slams into the median strips/telegraph poles and such. We hear sirens 24/7, police chases, ambulances, fire engines. We've tried to make our own noise but then we don't know that some low lifes have been terrorising our area with theft from fronts of properties. Thank goodness for the neighbourhood watch eye facebook page so residents in our area can keep up with what's going on. Bless our police forces because that page is monitored by them and we are usually kept up to date.

So yes, currently with my sleepless restless, pain ridden, nights, I want to run away, curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out and have my Daddy say it's going to be alright. But I keep pulling my big girl pants on and talk with him on the phone as much as I can.  Writing all this down helps, gets the tears out. And God I know is there, He sends little messages by way of 'angels' on this earth. Laughter in the funniest places, posts from friends who I've never even met in real life. Quotes that pop up online, music that's playing on the radio, funny classic british comedy I stumble across.  I laugh and I cry. I cry laughing.  Such is this journey of life that I go through, kicking and screaming trying to still be so strong and independent.  I know there's worse off than me. And then there's those who don't give a rat's and fly through life never to answer to anything.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and if you are going through your own worries, know that there is a God and that you just have to be still and know that (Psalm 46:10)

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